Stupid Alternate Universes
by MuggleBeene
Summary: George Weasley's mixing Muggle items with magic has some unintended consequences. Instead of finding out what happens in an alternate universe, things don't go as planned, and he brings in Hank Boyd for help. Part of the Professor Muggle story series.
1. Stupid Scranner

**A/N: Part of the Professor Muggle series. If you haven't read **_**Professor**__**Muggle**_**, **_**Professor Muggle: Year 2**_** or **_**Professor Muggle and the Lost Witch**_** you may get a bit lost/confused regarding names and relationships. Story is set after the Boyd twins have been born.**

* * *

**Stupid Scranner**

_20 July, 2013_

"Hank, there's a letter for you."

Melody gave the owl a treat, closed the kitchen window and handed me a letter. I sat down my tea, pushed my glasses to the top of my head and took it from her. After opening it up and scanning it quickly I shook my head. "Why's George owling me instead of using the Floo, especially at this time in the morning? Says his is out or something but I have to come over there now, and he wants to know if I know how scranners work. I think he means scanners. And why is he up so early?"

My wife shrugged. "It's George, Hank. I've given up." A baby's cry came from the nursery and Mel's shoulders sank. "Merlin, again? I just got Minerva down. Must be Mione. Why can't they have the same schedules?"

"Um, sorry, but George said I…"

"Just go, Hank, but don't stay long. You promised I could go to the shops with Hannah this afternoon."

"I know, I know, I'll make it short."

I drained the last of my tea and went into the bedroom. As it had been all week it was raining in Stintborough, and I had no idea what the weather was like in London, so I just guessed and threw on a pair of jeans, a polo shirt and some flip-flops. Remembering what it was usually like when George called me into his International Headquarters I reconsidered my footwear and put on some trainers and jammed my Braves hat on my head before walking into the nursery. As expected Mel was rocking Mione, the most troublesome of the twins. "Um, he said his Floo's out, so…"

"I don't know, Hank. Floo over to the Leaky and then catch a Muggle cab or something. Just hurry. I need to get out of the house for a bit."

"Sure, sure. No problem."

I followed Melody's idea, and after realizing that I hadn't taken a cab in ages and that London cabbies still gouged like crazy I finally ended up near the little park that stood next to the International Headquarters of Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. The hike through the park wasn't fun, as it was raining cats and dogs, and I'd forgotten an umbrella, so by the time I finally made it to the entrance of George's place I was soaked to the bone and definitely glad I'd changed shoes. A man in a purple trimmed uniform stood in a little guard booth.

"Welcome to the International Headquarters of Weasley's…"

I motioned with my hand to skip the rigmarole. "Yeah, yeah. I know. George sent me an owl, I'm Hank Boyd."

He flipped open his little notebook and nodded vigorously. "Oh yes, highest priority, go right on in, sir." After a few moments he suddenly looked up at me. "And have a Wheezy day, sir!"

I nodded at him. "Yeah. Sure. Thanks." I made my way into the reception desk where a very attractive young brunette witch sat at a desk, filing her nails. "I'm Hank Boyd; I'm here to see…"

She stopped filing her nails and stood up. "Oh yes, he's expecting you. If you'll follow me, please."

I walked through the hallways with her and we turned so often that I got lost. Eventually we made our way down a long flight of stairs and stopped at a little door that was painted the most horrible shade of green known to man. It looked nothing so much as vomit that had been left outside to bake in the sun. At least it didn't smell that way. I waited for her to open the door but she simply smiled at me and told me she didn't have clearance to enter that room and then walked off, leaving me there by myself. Not knowing what else to do I went to open the door but the damn thing wouldn't budge, so I banged on the door.

"George, it's me, Hank. Open up. What's so damned…"

The door flew open enough for George to stick his one-eared head out, ascertain it was only me, and then he reached out and grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me through the door into a little entryway of sorts. The room looked like every laboratory from every cheesy horror movie, stone walls, crap all over the place, and doors the same color as the other one stood a few feet away. "Jesus, George, what the fuck is going on?"

George stood there, wand in hand, and he looked like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have; in other words, normal George. But something was off, he looked, well, spooked. I knew that couldn't be good.

"Need your help, Hank. You see, I bought a Muggle scranner…"

"Scanner? You mean scanner?"

"Yes, yes, of course." He looked over his shoulder quickly and then turned back to me. "I made a few modifications. Found some notes that I'd written up before that I'd forgotten, don't know how, they were brilliant, and tried to incorporate the scanner with the spell…and it all went a bit wrong."

I sighed. "What, instead of replicating pictures of people they come out as naked pictures?"

He tapped his head with a finger. "Have to remember that one, but no. Um, maybe it's best if you take a look."

"Sure. But I have to be back by this afternoon, Mel's got plans."

"Mmmm…maybe."

"Shit, George, come on. What is it? It can't be that bad, can it?"

I followed him to the door, he opened it up and stood back, letting me walk inside. I was definitely not prepared for what I saw, as approximately five Hermione Grangers stood in the corner, at least ten Harry Potters milled about and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

"Holy fucking shit, George!"

"Exactly." He looked at me. "Exactly."

-ooo-

We were back in the little entryway when George handed me a bottle of half-full firewhiskey. "I wasn't drinking at first. After the first few, well, I needed it."

I took a long pull off of the bottle and looked over to him. "What the fuck did you do, George?"

He started rambling about how his notes that he'd found had something to do with time travel, but he'd worked out that there were parallel universes, alternate universes from ours, and by aligning some magical whatzihoozits with something or other that he was able to tap into that. The long and short of it, because I didn't understand a tenth of what he was saying, is that he'd hooked up the scanner and magicked it up so that when he fed it a picture of someone an alternate universe version of them would show up. He'd done almost everyone he could think of, and had a room full of people, and had started asking them questions when the other iterations started showing up. He'd wanted to see what Harry Potter was like in another universe, but instead of just getting one Harry they just kept popping into existence. Attempts at stopping the magic on the scanner hadn't worked, so in regular intervals new arrivals just kept showing up.

"You know George, just when I think you can't surprise me, you go and pull off shit like this. What, what, I mean…what am I supposed to do?"

"Uh, fix the scanner?"

"Maybe I could do something if it wasn't hooked up right to your laptop, but this is beyond me."

The door creaked open and I turned to see a Hermione look anxiously at me and George. "Excuse me, but I need to return home. Draco will be expecting his lunch any time now."

I snapped my head up to George. "Draco? What the fuck?"

He rolled his eyes and waved at the door. "Go ahead. See if your head isn't spinning after ten minutes or so."

I looked at the Hermione, to George, back to the Hermione and then back to George. "I can't pass this up. You got a notebook? I gotta make notes."

He went over to a small table, opened the drawer and handed me a roll of parchment. "I was interested at first, but after a Luna told me she ran off with Percy…"

"Oh hell, this just keeps getting better." I took the parchment from him, reached into my pocket and pulled out an ink pen and opened the door, much to the relief of the Hermione that needed to prepare Draco's lunch.

-ooo-

As Hermione Malfoy walked away from my little table I couldn't believe it; never in a million years would I ever connect the name Hermione with Malfoy. That would never happen in a million years. The rest of the Hermione's stood in an orderly queue, waiting to speak with me at the little desk I had appropriated. Apparently the word had got out that I was some sort of helpful person who would take down everything and help get everybody back to where they were supposed to be. Even alternate universe versions of Hermione still were orderly, I guess. The next Hermione walked up and sat down at the chair across from my little desk, and I stared uncontrollably, as she had sleek, blonde hair down to the middle of her back and was wearing clothing that looked like it belonged in a music video instead of on the Hermione Weasley that I knew.

"Name?"

"Hermione Granger."

"Married or single?"

"Divorced." She reached into her little handbag. "Can I smoke in here?"

I looked around. "Uh, sure. Can I bum one?"

She tipped the pack towards me and I took one out. She put one to her lips, so I took out my wand and made the usual pitiful little flame and lit both cigarettes. After reaching into her purse and taking out a small, green ashtray she sat it on the desk.

"Divorce was final this year, thank Merlin."

I nodded. "And your ex-husband's name?"

She leaned back in the chair, put her arm over the back of the chair and inhaled deeply. "Which one?"

I nodded deeply. Stranger and stranger. "Ok, why don't you tell me?"

"Well, first there was Ron Weasley, then Charlie Weasley, then Ron again, and finally Sirius Black. Horrible mistake."

"Sirius…ok, ok." I wrote it down quickly. "And your profession?"

"I'm between things at the moment."

"Right. Kids?"

"Merlin, no! Why would I want to do that?"

"So…what do you do for Galleons?"

She took a deep drag, exhaled and leaned over the desk. "I have a good lawyer, love. You married?" I held up my hand and showed her my wedding ring. "Can't fault a girl for trying. Is there tea? Anything stronger?"

I looked over to the door to the entryway and then back to her. "I'll see what I can do."

She stubbed out her cigarette with an almost angry motion and looked at me pointedly. After a few minutes I realized what she meant, took a drag off of my smoke and put it out. After the fires were extinguished she picked up the ashtray and moved off, probably looking for something alcoholic.

The rest of the Hermione's were surreal, to say the least. About half of them were married to Ron, one was married to George, three were married to Muggles and one was gay. The majority of them either worked in the Ministry, at Hogwarts, or did something with books. The Hermione married to Draco was an author and stay-at-home mother. Just when I thought I'd finally reached the end of interviewing the Hermiones another one popped into the room wearing a nun's habit and I decided I'd had enough of interviewing them. I made my way back to the entryway to find George tinkering with the scanner.

"So, uh, Hank, has your brain exploded yet?"

I laughed and leaned over the table. "I just talked to all the Hermiones. Crazy. So who should I interview next? The Harrys?"

He shook his head. "Deadly boring. All of them ended up with Ginny. And they're all Aurors, too. Well, I think one of them might teach at Hogwarts, but they all end up with Ginny. One of them has six kids or something like that."

He avoided looking at me for a moment and I knew him well enough to know what that meant. "George. What is it?"

"I might have run through a picture of you and Melody."

"Might?" I put both hands on the table and leaned in closely. "Did you or didn't you?"

"I did."

"Fucker." I took my hands off the table and started walking around the little room. "So out there, in one of the rooms that branch off that big-ass…"

"Special Projects Development Quarters."

"Yeah, whatever, George, that thing…somewhere in that thing, in one of the little side rooms there's more of me and Melodys walking around?"

He looked at me and then just nodded.

"Fucking awesome. Great. Wonderful." I shook my head. "Maybe I can bum another smoke off of slutty Hermione."

"I don't know if you should talk to the other, um, you's, Hank."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm talking to the Melodys, though." I took a look at my watch. Fuck. "And you're finding a babysitter for my kids. _My _Melody has an appointment that she's not going to miss." I didn't wait for him to respond, I just walked back into the room.

-ooo-

It was odd to see all the different Hermiones. It was odd to see all the Harrys and Ginnys, even more so to see a prim, proper and conservatively dressed Luna, but when I stepped into the little room and saw all the Melodys? Holy shit. Six of them were all clustered around talking, and they were all unique and very different than my wife. One had hair down to her waist and was dressed in what I guessed wizarding hippie clothes looked like. She was barefoot. One was dressed in a sharp, blue Muggle business suit and three inch heels. Another was extremely pregnant, and the one next to her was wearing a Harpies sweatshirt and looked sort of like my wife. Next to her was a shockingly pale and dirty Melody in Azkaban prisoner's clothing, while standing to her right was a Melody that looked…well, normal. Like my Melody.

I cleared my throat. "Um, ladies, if you could form a line I'll get all your information so we can get this sorted."

The business Melody strode forward immediately. "Can you please fix this? Brian and I have a meeting at two."

_Brian? Fuck._ "Uh, ok. Name?"

She looked at me oddly. "Henry?"

"Yeah? You know me?"

She moved her glasses onto her nose. "Yes, I do. We dated briefly. I'm surprised they let you out."

"What do you mean, let me out?"

She rolled her eyes just like my Melody. "I had to have a restraining order put on you after I chucked you. Aurors arrested you in my garden with some Muggle box blaring music that you held over your head. Dreadful."

"Ok, sure." I took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm sure you all know George Weasley in whatever…" A chorus of groans broke out. I waved my hands. "Ok, ok, well, this is a George thing. I'll get your information and then we'll fix everything." I looked back to the business Melody. "Name?"

"Melody Bottlesworth. I work with my husband at his architecture firm. Mum had him over for tea not long after I chucked you."

"Right. Ok, then, moving on…"

In the matter of the next interviews I found out that Melody had dated me in almost every reality, but the only one she ended up with me in was the current one. The real one. The one where I had kids and she had to meet Hannah for shopping. Hippie Melody had dated me for one date and then decided to follow her heart and love everything, mostly garden gnomes. Pregnant Melody was married to Ron Weasley and was expecting their first child any day now. Azkaban Melody had snapped and offed her mum, which seemed a little drastic to me. Harpies Melody had dated me and continued on, single, as Harpies press secretary. And as for the "normal" looking Melody? We had married and then divorced after our first child, a boy named Harry, was born. I was about to stand up from the desk when everyone's attention was diverted by a popping sound, and another Melody stood in front of us, wearing an old nightgown with some gunk on her face that my Melody used as a facial mask to tighten her pores or some shit like that.

"Hank?" She turned to me and her eyes went wide. I stood up to say something but before I could say a word she ran over and threw her arms around me. "Merlin, I never thought I'd see you again!" She kissed me, hard.

Eventually I held her at arm's length. "Um, hello. I hate to break it to you…"

"Am I dead?" She looked around the room. "What in bloody hell…they're all me!"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's a George Weasley thing. You know George, right?"

She waved me off. "I can't believe you're alive. I can't believe it. Hank, I saw…I saw you die after your brother's wedding reception."

A chill went over my spine as I knew exactly the moment she was talking about; before we were engaged I'd taken Melody over to America for my brother Ted's wedding. After the wedding we were attacked by Muggle hating wizards, and I'd done a spell with my wand to protect my niece. There were other anti-Muggle assholes about, though, and in the fighting I'd actually killed one of them. Two technically, because the shield spell did something, but that wasn't what was bothering me; in real life I'd survived and asked Melody to marry me not long after that. In face-gun, Melody's reality, though, I must have died.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Listen, this isn't your, um, reality. This isn't real. It's a dream, uh, yeah, that's it. A dream."

She grabbed my left hand and brought it up to her face. "You're married. Who'd you marry?"

It was then that I saw all of them look at me. All the Melodys were concentrating on me. I took a deep breath, pried my hand out of nightgown Melody's hand and wiped the facial gunk out of my goatee. "Um, you, actually. I married Melody Bramble. My Melody is at home now with the kids. We have four, a boy, a girl and twin girls. Named the boy Hieronymus after your dad. Melody's dad. Shit. You know what I mean. Um…I'm teaching Muggle Studies at Hogwarts and I'm head of house for Hufflepuff. And, uh, I've published a few books and work with George Weasley on making magical versions of Muggle stuff. That's how you're all here, George wizarded up a scanner. Fuck, I mean, if I'd have know all of this shit would happen when he owled me today…"

A knock on the door diverted everyone's attention from me except for nightgown Melody, who once again threw herself into my arms. George opened the door a few moments later, looking as pale as Nearly Headless Nick.

"Hank? I…" He closed his eyes for a second and then looked at me intently. "I can't do this one. You have to do it."

I extricated myself from nightgown Melody and moved to the door. "I'll be back soon."

"Stay away as long as you want. Forever would be fine." Business Melody shook her head at me and moved away.

-ooo-

I opened the door that George had pointed me towards wordlessly and stopped halfway inside; instead of multiple versions of people I knew standing about there was only one person in there. "George?"

He shook his head. "Half right. Fred."

"Holy shit." I stood there for a moment until finally he looked at me rather oddly. Eventually I gathered my breath and walked over and sat at a chair that Fred had conjured with his wand. "Fred Weasley. Wow."

"Impressive, I know. Now, let's get on to it. Where am I, exactly, and why does George only have one ear? What's wrong with him, anyway? And, to start things off, are you?"

I pushed my glasses onto the top of my head and exhaled deeply. "This is going to take a while."

Fred took out his wand, conjured a couple of chairs, and I sat down across from him, taking time to really look at him. I'd never met Fred Weasley in person, I'd only seen pictures of him with George, but it was obvious that they really were identical. In fact, if George hadn't told me it was Fred in the room, and if George had two ears, I would have accused him of sending a picture of himself through the scanner. The man who sat in front of me was in his mid-thirties, just like George, and I had a million questions cram into my head at once, which rendered me speechless.

Fred crossed his legs, leaned back and cocked his head at me. "Right. Sorry to disturb, but would you mind telling me what's going on? I've got a date tonight."

That would explain the clothing. The blue jeans and dragonhide boots were one thing, but he had on a white shirt with a checkerboard tie and a black velour smoking jacket. He looked just like George, and it was disconcerting. After a few moments I took a deep breath.

"You're in an alternate reality. In this reality, my reality, George did some kind of magic thing with a Muggle scanner, it's a thing you use to put images into digital format for use with computers. Well, he did something and he ran some pictures through the scanner, and after that alternate versions of…"

"Brilliant! Might have to try that myself. I'll tell him later tonight when we pop over to his and Angie's place for drinks. So where's this George? He stuck his head in here for a second and ran out like Umbridge had showed up on his doorstep." He paused for a moment and looked at me seriously. "She isn't here, is she?"

"No, she's not. Not sure if I should tell you what happened here, but…it would explain why George sent me in."

For the next few minutes I explained everything, and when I got to the part where Fred died at Hogwarts I went over it quickly and moved on to what happened to all the Weasleys. He sat there quietly, uncrossed his legs and re-crossed his legs so it was opposite of his previous position.

"So, what you're saying is that I'm dead."

"Yes."

"Right. And Harry married Ginny instead of Gabrielle?"

"You mean Fleur's sister? Um, yeah. They've got three kids. James, Albus and Lily."

"Only three? He's slacking over here." He looked intently at me. "And, sorry, who are you?"

I explained who I was, but he shook his head. "Read about that in _The Prophet_, Ministry put the kibosh on that. No Muggles have ever taught at Hogwarts, though Dad tried to get them to change their mind."

I couldn't contain my curiosity at that point. "Fred, do you know Melody Bramble?"

"Bloody hell, of course I do. Taking her over to George and Angie's place later tonight. Why?"

For some reason that irritated me, and I knew I shouldn't say it the minute it came out of my mouth, but I couldn't help it. "So it doesn't bother you that in this reality you're dead?"

"We're all gonna die, mate. Feel sorry for Mum, though. At least I went out when it counted." He was silent again but then laughed. "Send old Georgie in. Serves him right for breaking up my hot date."

I nodded, stood up and headed for the door. When I began to turn the doorknob, though, I couldn't do it. I turned back to him, but he was out of the chair, over at a small workbench and was excitedly looking through some of George's in-process Wheezes items.


	2. End of a Thousand Galleon Day

**Chapter 2: End of a Thousand Galleon Day**

_**A/N: This chapter also has a connection with the story The Quiet Sister and Weasley Time Tourism.**_

"No."

I let out a deep sigh. "Come on, George. You already said they're all alternate universe versions, so it won't really matter if you go in and talk to him. Look at it like a Marvel 'What If…' comic book, you get to find out what happened if Gwen Stacey hadn't…sorry. Bad example."

He glanced at me and then continued working on the scanner. "I have no idea who Gwen Stacey is, but I'm not going to talk to him."

"Spider-Man comic book. Learned to read from them, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you've got your brother, your twin brother, in there and he wants to speak with you. Hell, maybe the two of you can figure out how to fix everything."

That got his attention, as he sat down the small Muggle screwdriver and looked over at me. After a long time he looked over to the door, the door that led to the little room where Fred Weasley was still alive and going on a date with my wife. Well, not my wife, but Melody. A Melody. I watched him hesitantly walk over to the door, and after standing motionless for quite a while he slowly turned the doorknob and walked inside.

George's exit left me sort of at loose ends, as after I examined the scanner and realized I'd be useless in trying to help fix it and could potentially make things worse. The idea of introducing Melody to a bunch of other versions of her, most of which I was sure she wouldn't like, made me shudder, so I decided to go see about the other people in George's little experiment. As I started to go to another room I accidentally bumped the table the scanner sat on, and a bunch of pictures fell onto the floor. I bent down to pick them up, and that's when I got an idea of what I was really dealing with. George had been careful to only send individual pictures of people through the scanner, so that was why everyone seemed to be a single entity instead of a couple. I flipped through the pictures quickly; Harry, Ginny, Hermione, me, Melody, Fred, Luna, Percy, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Neville…and that was when I decided that I needed help. It wasn't exactly time that George had fucked with, well, sort of, but I knew of one person who had actually fucked around with time and still seemed to have all her marbles. It was then that I decided to contact Hermione Weasley.

I left the little room, out the vomit-colored door and started in what I thought was the right direction to get back to the receptionist, but it didn't take me long to realize that I hadn't been paying attention and was truly, and utterly, lost. More than ever I wish I had my Auror badge that Edith had charmed for me when I sort-of worked for the Aurors, but that was futile. I tried going into one room to ask whoever worked there to help me, but the moment I stepped into the room I had to duck because things were flying around like crazy, even the furniture. After ducking an ottoman I scrambled back out and closed the door with a slam, and it was then that I saw the sign on the door. _Levitation Charm Endurance Test in Progress – STAY OUT. _After wandering for a bit longer I came to a hallway that looked promising, so I went down that way until I came to a door that said _P. Phillips-Jones. _Poesy! Perfect. I knocked on the door and opened it quickly.

Poesy was in the middle of taking a bite out of a rather large scone and started when she saw me. She chewed quickly and then gave me an odd look. "Professor? What are you doing here?"

"Shit, Poesy, I've asked myself about twenty times already this morning."

"Morning?" She shook her head and pointed to the clock. "It's half-one."

"Oh fuck." I took a deep breath. "Mel's gonna kill me. Poesy, you've got to help me. George really did it this time."

"Merlin, if he wasn't so bloody brilliant he'd drive me mental. Ok, sit down and tell me what's going on."

As I filled her in I watched her face go from interest to irritation to anger. Finally, when I'd finished, and explained that I needed someone to go over and watch the kids for Mel, she took out her quill. She talked as she wrote.

"Ok, here's what we're going to do. I'm writing a letter now to Hermione Weasley, telling her she's needed because one of George's things went spectacularly wrong and we need her help. After that I'm going to write Liv Wandsworth over at _The Prophet_, not because we want this in the paper but because I know she can skive off work easy, say she's got a lead on a story or something. Plus your wife likes her." She looked up at me and grinned.

I remembered that grin from when she was in Muggle Studies, usually when she'd done something wrong or was planning to. It didn't make me feel very comfortable. "Poesy…come on. Can't we fix this quick?"

She shook her head. "Probably not. Might have to bring in some cots. They could all be here a while. Now just sit there quietly, eyes on your own work while I finish this." She laughed.

Sometimes former students were hilarious. As I looked at her writing her letters, and then sending them off as little paper airplanes like they do at the Ministry, I was absolutely positive it wasn't one of those times.

-ooo-

After Poesy sent off the letters she took me back down to the awful-colored door and I suddenly remembered where George was; in visiting with his dead twin brother. That got me flustered, and I was a bit confused on which door it was so I went to the one I thought was the right one and opened it up quickly and stepped inside. It wasn't the George and Fred room, though; it was the Harry room.

A whole bunch of Harry Potters stood around, well, some of them. Four of them had conjured chairs and were sitting around talking as if they'd always known each other, which was very disconcerting. I didn't have any parchment with me, I'd left that somewhere, so my pretense of writing everything down to get it sorted was gone. As the door closed they all turned to look at me, and it was, well it was fucking weird. I took a deep breath and began to say something and that's when she stepped out from behind a corner. There was no doubt about it, green eyes, dark hair…Harry but as a woman. I stepped back against the door and slid down to the floor. "No fucking way."

After that several of the Harrys helped me up, one of them conjured a chair, and they sat me in it. It took some time to finally be able to regain my faculties, but when I did I saw the female Harry looking at me in a concerned manner. "Are you all right?"

It sounded so weird to hear a female voice that sort of sounded like Harry. I pushed my glasses up to my head and sat back in the chair. "What a fucking morning. Shit." I looked at female Harry. "Um, I…yeah."

She conjured a chair and sat down next to me. "Oh, I know that feeling. I've had a little chat with all of the others here. I'm Harriet Weasley. Seems so odd that I'm the only woman, as…well, you can imagine."

I nodded. "Yeah, I bet…wait, no I actually can't."

Harriet turned to the others and waved them away. "Let me talk to him, please?"

The other Harrys eyed here warily and moved to different parts of the room, which I noticed had begun to expand as a Harry Potter flashed into existence, this one wearing what looked like armor. I shook my head to try to clear it, but it just wasn't working, and finally I turned back to Harriet. "I'm sure you've already heard how you got here, right?"

She nodded. "Oh yes. My idiot brother-in-law."

_Brother-in-law? George said that all the Harrys were dreadfully boring, that they'd all ended up with Ginny. But Fred had said in his reality Harry had ended up with Fleur's sister Gabrielle. Maybe this was a gay female Harry that had ended up with Ginny? _"Um, ok, I'm sure you've talked to the others, but fill me in. Harriet Potter and…"

"Ron Weasley, of course." Harriet shrugged. "Can't believe the other versions of me ended up with Ginny. She's such a tart."

"Ok, this is getting too fucking weird." I looked over to the other male Harrys and shook my head. "If one of you bastards tells me you're married to Draco Malfoy and pregnant with his kid I'm going to lose it. Well?"

All the male Harrys looked at me like I was insane. Finally, one of them in a Chudley Cannons uniform stepped over to Harriet. "We should probably wait for George. He's mental."

I covered my face with my hands. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…"

"I tried to get you to watch your language, but you never learned. Mum hated it."

I moved my fingers apart so I could see through my hands at Harriet. "Oh my God, what? Tell me. Did we, uh…"

"Dated for a year. After you started at Hogwarts." Harriet pushed her somewhat messy long hair behind her ear. "My parents hated you."

_Parents? _"So James and Lily?"

She shook her head. "No, my adoptive parents. Mum and Dad died when Voldemort…" She shuddered and involuntarily put a hand to her heart.

I took my hands away from my face and looked up quickly to see if there was a scar on her forehead; my eyes went wide when I realized that Harriet didn't have a scar. "No scar…"

"There's a scar." She stiffened somewhat in the chair. "_They_ all have one on their foreheads. I got one in a different place." She slowly unbuttoned her shirt for a moment and then moved it aside until a lightning bolt-shaped scar displayed right above her heart. "Made going to the beach embarrassing when I was younger. Before I knew about makeup."

I blinked rapidly, trying to get it all straight as Harriet buttoned up her shirt. "Um, you said something about parents…who adopted you?"

"Alice and Frank Longbottom, of course. Sirius tried to convince them that I should stay with him, since he is my godfather, but with him in France all the time with that awful woman Dad wouldn't hear of it. Fleur is bad enough as it is, it would have been horrid to have her as a sister."

"Jesus Christ, I can't take anymore." I leaned over the chair to the Harrys. "For the love of Merlin, please let one of you smoke. I need a cigarette."

Happily one of the Harrys came striding forward, and I let out an exasperated laugh and threw my hands up in the air. The Harry that offered me a cigarette looked like he was in a motorcycle gang, as he had on black leather pants, heavy black boots, a black leather vest and had a red and gold bandanna on his head, tamping down his wild, dirty and long black hair. Instead of the normal glasses that the Harry Potter I knew wore he sported aviator sunglasses. He reached into his vest, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. "Here ya go, mate. Got a light?"

I couldn't speak, and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to do my only trick with my wand in the state I was in, so I shook my head. He reached into his vest again, pulled out his wand and lit my smoke. As he walked back to the other Harrys I saw the back of his vest; a lightning bolt was above a half moon, and the words 'Dumbledore's' and 'Army' were above and below the symbols. Merlin's pants, Harry was in a motorcycle gang.

I had only taken two drags off the smoke when the door opened and George Weasley stepped inside. He took one look at me, and then at Harriet, and his eyes went wide.

"Bloody hell!"

Every Harry and Harriet turned to him, and spoke as if in one voice. "George!" Their tones were all identical; mad as hell.

George quickly walked over to me and roughly pulled me up out of the chair by the arm. "Help's here, come on."

We quickly left the room, and I glanced back once to see Harriet give me an encouraging smile. _Fuck._

-ooo-

Hermione Weasley stood at the table that held the scanner, waving her wand over it as a faint, yellow light covered the object. Her attention shifted to us and the light faded. "George, I'm not sure if this is entirely legal…"

My head was still spinning from the Harry room so I had to make sure. I looked over to Hermione and studied her intently. "Ok, this is gonna sound weird, but trust me. Just answer some questions. You've never been married to Charlie Weasley or been a nun, have you? You don't smoke or need to go fix Draco Malfoy lunch, do you?"

Her eyes went wide and she began to splutter. "What, I…no, I…NO."

"Thank Merlin." I pushed my glasses back up onto my nose. "You won't believe half of the shit…"

George waved me off. "Yes, yes, it's all strange, Hank. Now Fred gave me some good ideas, we need to get started."

"Fred?" Hermione turned on him. "George…you haven't actually _used _this, have you?"

At that point the whole day had been so surreal that I began laughing. Loudly. When I could finally speak the only thing that I could get out was "Harry has boobs" and then I started laughing again. After Hermione and George finally calmed me down I thought I was ok until I saw Hermione brush her hair back with her hand and saw her wedding ring. I pointed at her and through the giggles said "You married Draco" and fell into another fit of laughter.

As I sat down in a chair next to the table, working through the absurdity of the day, George began explaining things to Hermione. She didn't take it well. Initially both of them had sat down when I did, but Hermione was up on her feet, angry.

"George Weasley! Do you know exactly what you've done? Awful things happen with…"

"Wizards who muck about with time, I know." George motioned for her to sit down, and Hermione sat down and crossed her arms over her chest. "But it wasn't _exactly _time, now, was it? Come on, now, Hermione, my dear sister…"

"Sister _in-law_." Hermione gave him a look usually she only reserved for Ron. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but what did Fred say?"

At that point George went off on a long spiel about magical fault-lines and temporal boundaries and physical manifestations, a whole bunch of crap that I couldn't follow along with. Sounded pretty theoretical, and Hermione nodded at certain points, but I was completely lost. I took out my wand and began turning it over and over in my hands, as I needed something to do. Eventually, though, there was a long stretch of silence that got my attention and I realized that they had stopped talking. They both looked directly at me. "What?"

"Hank, weren't you listening?" Hermione arched an eyebrow at me and shook her head. "We need your help now."

I held up my wand. "Useless, remember?"

Hermione closed her eyes momentarily in irritation and then took a deep breath. "Yes, but that's not the point. We need your help with the scanner. Apparently George has ruined it."

I took a look at the scanner on the table and realized that it was in several pieces, screws lying about the table. "So you need a new one, right? One problem, they don't make them like this anymore. That one's ancient. The new ones are all multi-purpose, printer, scanner…"

Hermione interrupted. "It doesn't matter, Hank, we just need a new one. Can you go get one? Oh, and don't say a word to anyone. If this got out…"

-ooo-

A couple of hours later I returned back to George's International Headquarters with a rather expensive box under my arm. I didn't know what George actually needed, so I'd bought the top-of-the-line. The guard waved me in without a challenge this time, and the receptionist didn't even blink when I'd come back with a Muggle item in my possession. As we made our way down to the vomit-colored door I had to shift the box several times, as even if it wasn't heavy it was sort of awkward carrying it. When I finally entered the room George and Hermione looked as if they'd been waiting on pins and needles.

"About time." George took the box from my hands and began unpacking it quickly, throwing the instructions and the packaging away to get to the device.

"Hey, there was a line at Curry's. What am I supposed to do, tell them I'm in a hurry because you've altered the very fabric of space and time?"

George looked up from the box and shrugged. "Might have worked."

"Piss off." I looked over to Hermione, who seemed unsettled. "You talked to some of them, didn't you?"

She nodded slightly. "I spoke to Fred, and then…"

"Then she met Harriet." George waved the old, broken scanner off of the table with his wand and then sat the new unit down with a slight thud. "I'll never look at Harry the same way."

"Precisely, George." Hermione shook her finger at him. "You've got to get everybody who knows anything about this together, we've got to put something of the time-turner magic into the scanner so we go back and forget everything. It isn't right." She looked over to me. "Who else knows about this?"

I scratched my goatee for a moment. "Um, nobody except…oh. Shit."

"Hank?"

Hermione stared at me and I understood why Ron said he couldn't lie to her. "I told Poesy, she sent a message to you and one to Liv Wandsworth." They looked at me oddly. "Hey, I promised Melody I'd be home to watch the kids so she and Hannah could go out this afternoon, and Poesy owled Liv to go watch them because I've been here doing this shit. She's been at home with the kids for ages, she needs to go out, even if it's just for the afternoon."

Hermione made George stop what he was doing and go off to get Posey. As we waited for them to return Hermione told me about her little meetings, besides the Harrys and Harriet. She'd visited with the Lupins, who had seemed to mostly all marry Tonks. In some cases they were professors at Hogwarts, and in other cases they were knocking about doing things here and there, somewhat similar to what I'd heard Harry tell me Remus Lupin did before he taught at Hogwarts. She'd just begun to tell me what happened to the Sirius Blacks when we heard a loud commotion come from one of the rooms, the unmistakable sounds of wizards fighting.

As we entered the room it looked like something from a movie, as about twenty Harrys plus Harriet stood on one side of the room while one Harry, all in black with the cowl of his robe over his head, stood on the other, his wand pointed at everyone else. Motorcycle gang Harry was the closest to me so he glanced over his shoulder and looked as mad as hell. "Bastard's got the Dark Mark!"

Hermione's hand went to her mouth in shock, and I just stood there for a moment. If that Harry had the Dark Mark, did that mean that Voldemort _won_ in his reality? I didn't even think, I just went forward and stood between all of them. "Listen, this shit isn't going to get us anywhere. If you kill each other here, you'll never get home, right? Fuck, come on, wands down." They didn't budge, and several of them refocused their wands on Dark Mark Harry. I had had enough, and my angry professor voice that the kids hated came out. "Goddamn it, put down your fucking wands, NOW. Don't make me take away points from Gryffindor."

"Gryffindor?" One of the Harrys behind me laughed. "I was in Hufflepuff."

From behind me I heard a chorus of Harrys tell me that they were in Ravenclaw and Slytherin, but the majority of them asserted that they had been in Gryffindor. Dark Mark Harry sneered and told them that he'd never gone to that Muggle-loving school; Emperor Voldemort had made certain of that.

Almost as soon as it was out of his lips the wands went back up and I shook my head. "I don't care what fucking house you were in, WANDS DOWN!"

I heard a laugh in the crowd of Harrys and saw Harriet shake her head. "House points, really? Do we look like we're in school?"

Hermione stepped forward, causing one Harry to exclaim that his wife was alive, but Hermione shook it off and looked at them all pointedly. "If you harm someone here it may affect your own reality. Do you really want to take that chance?"

As that realization began to sink in I walked back to Hermione and leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "Could that happen?"

She whispered back that she had no idea, and that's when George cracked open the door and looked over to us. "We're ready. I think."

-ooo-

When Hermione and I returned to the table we were shocked to see Fred Weasley with his wand out working on the new multi-function scanner with Poesy Phillips. The two of them were saying something that I couldn't understand and moving their wands in slow, intricate patterns. Everyone remained motionless as they completed their work, and when they'd finally finished Poesy staggered back slightly and held a hand to her head and looked to George.

"Before we do the forgetting bit write down that I get holiday next week, Boss."

Fred nodded. "Only thing to do, she's earned it."

George walked up to Fred. "Has the…"

"All done. And the…"

"Right. Only need the…"

"Pictures right here."

I'd never heard George and his twin talk like that, but obviously Hermione had as she reached up quickly and wiped away a tear. Everyone was silent for a moment, but eventually I couldn't take it. "Ok, so how's this work? Just run the pictures back through?"

Fred nodded. "Yes…"

"And no." George looked over to me. "We'll need a bit of your hair. Not much, you don't have a lot to spare."

_Fuck. _I shook my head. "Come on, George, explain it to me like…"

"The ninety-eight point seven percent Muggle that you are?" Fred gave him a questioning look but George waved him off. "The pictures will send back the others as we've reversed things, but as for us? Well, it's kind of like Polyjuice mixed up with a Time-Turner. And a slight Obliviation spell."

_Obliviation? Oh no. Fuck, no, no, no._ I pointed a finger at him. "You're not fucking around with my memories."

One of the doors opened and Ginny Potter stepped out. "Sorry to bother, but I need the loo." She looked over at me and her expression became one of anger. "YOU! You're the one!" She walked over to me in stomping steps and slapped me across the face. "Spend the night with me and then I find out you're married!"

"Ginny Potter!" Hermione's eyes went wide. "You…"

"Potter?" Ginny looked at her oddly. "What are you on about?"

Poesy gently took Ginny by the arm and walked her back to the slightly opened door from which she'd come from. "We'll have you back in no time, no time at all. Plenty of time to find the loo. Just a moment, really."

George and Fred looked over to me and it wasn't a pleasant experience. George pointed a finger at me. "You shagged…"

"Our little sister?" Fred pointed his wand in my face.

Hermione reached out and pushed their wands down. "Other reality, other reality." She looked over at me. "Hank?"

"NO clue. Really, none." I shook my head and held up my left hand. "Wedding ring, married Melody, remember?"

"Ohhh…bloody hell. There goes my date tonight." Fred put his wand away. "Sorry, mate. Forgot for a moment."

Poesy rejoined us and tapped her watch. "Come on, then, it won't last forever."

All of us plucked hairs from our heads except for Fred, who stood there with a mixture of anticipation and sadness on his face. He held out his hand to George. "You've done wonderfully Forge."

George nodded and shook Fred's hand. "Thanks, Gred."

Poesy took Fred's picture and fed it into the scanner. As soon as the blue light stopped Fred Weasley began to disappear from the room, almost as if he was a sand painting that was crumbling right before our eyes. As he became blurrier and blurrier the room seemed to almost hum with magic, and finally he was gone with a small pop. George looked for a long time at the spot where his brother had been, and then with a deep breath he reached for the next picture. As George began feeding the pictures into the scanner Hermione and I went to the different doors, checking to make sure the right people were returning to their own realities. I watched as the Harrys disappeared, and Harriet waved as she turned into crumbling dust. Finally, after telling one Sirius Black that he would definitely be home in time for his bachelor party, they were all gone. I had been tempted to go back into the room of Melodys, but Poesy wouldn't let me.

We all stood at the scanner, tufts of hair in our heads. I took a look at George, and he didn't seem very confident. "What's wrong, George?"

"The other part worked, but for this I'm not sure."

"George." Hermione gave him a stern look. "If I wake up tomorrow and find…"

He shook his head. "No, it won't be like that. We'll be ourselves, none of this will have ever happened, or at least we won't remember it, but I'm not sure I can send us back in time. Might just be we, well, had a long kip."

"Goddamn it, George." I punched him in the arm. "So I'm still going to have to find a reason to tell Melody why Liv had to go watch the kids instead of me. You owe me. Put it down next to Poesy's holiday request that I get, oh, I don't know, a thousand Galleons for this."

George began choking. "A thousand Galleons? Bloody hell, Hank."

"A thousand." I enunciated it clearly. "Minimum."

"Fine." George scribbled some things on a piece of parchment and then sat the quill down. "Ok, here we go."

We all placed our locks of hair into the scanner and George waved his wand, causing the device to glow with a throbbing red light.

-ooo-

When I woke up I was on the floor with Hermione Weasley's head in my lap. She stirred, realized where she was, and hurriedly got to her feet. Poesy and George both eventually roused, and everybody looked at each other oddly. We all couldn't figure out exactly why we were all in that room, at almost supper time, until George looked at the scanner on the table.

"Well, this is interesting. I wrote myself a note I don't remember."

"What's it say?" I pushed my glasses to the top of my head and stood next to everyone at the scanner.

George read it out loud. "George, this is a note from yourself. Immediately destroy the thing on the table, it went horribly wrong. Give Posey a paid week of holiday next week. Also, give Hank…" He shook his head. "This must have been bad. It says that I have to give you a thousand Galleons, Hank."

"Hot damn!" I rubbed my hands together. "A thousand Galleons!" I took a look at my watch. "I'm going to need them because Mel's going to be madder than a wet hen. I was supposed to be gone an hour or so, it's supper time!" I took a look around the room, at all the little doors. Something was nagging me, hovering around my brain and I just couldn't grasp it. I opened one of the doors and looked inside, but there was nothing there. George destroyed the scanner and then we all decided it must have been one of George's things that made us all, well, weird. It was a mutual decision never to talk about it again.

After I used George's Floo and got home it was as I had expected, Melody wa_s really_ mad.

"Henry Aaron MacDonald Boyd!" She stood up from the rocking chair, the twins in her arms, both of them crying. "Here!" She handed me the girls and then stood with her hands on her hips. "All bloody day? I was waiting and waiting and then Liv Wandsworth shows up and tells me she's been sent to watch the children? What have you been doing all day, and I expect a good answer or you'll be sleeping with Spit tonight!"

"I can't fit in there with him."

That was obviously the wrong thing to say, and the fact that I held the twins was the only thing that kept me in one piece.

"Of all the irresponsible…oooh, Hank."

I shifted Minnie and handed her to Melody in a way that she couldn't refuse. "It was a George thing, and I don't know what happened, but I can make it up to you." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the bag of Galleons. "Really, honestly, I don't know what happened, but it must have been bad because he gave me this." I handed her the bag. "You know that holiday you wanted to take? I think we can afford it now. Or blow it on jewelry, whatever you want. It's all yours."

She adjusted her glasses with her free hand and took the bag from me. After sitting down and putting Minnie on the couch so she wouldn't roll off she opened up the bag. "Hank! There's at least…"

"A thousand Galleons, all yours."

* * *

_London, 2091_

"Ok, wait, stop a second." Polly sat back in her chair. "If you were Obliviated like the rest of them, how do you remember all this?"

I looked down from my portrait above my great-granddaughter's desk at the British Museum of Magical History in London and smiled. "It's all about percentages, Polly. You know what I'm talking about."

She laughed. "Oh yeah, ninety-eight point seven percent."

I stuck out my tongue at her. "I prefer one point three percent, but you're right. George had calculated for things on the wizarding scale, and you know I'm literally not…wasn't…anyway, I didn't have the same percentage of magical blood as they did. Didn't affect me the same way. And when Gin painted my portrait I found out a wonderful side-effect. You see, when magical portraits are painted it imparts a tiny part of your essence in the paints. That's why when you talk to portraits they can remember intimate details of rather ordinary things that happened ages ago. When I woke up here in portrait-land I realized that I remembered everything. Everything."

Polly shook her head. "Merlin's socks, pants and underwear. So the Obliviation didn't really work for you, did it? So now what? You want me to publish this with everything else?"

"Mmmmm…" I scratched my goatee. "Better not, actually. To be honest I've been dying to tell this story for ages. Dying to. Get it? Dying?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Hank, I got it. You know, I could write it up. Funny to think of everybody like that."

I shook my head. "Better not. It was funny, though. Harry had a great set of tits."


End file.
